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The Lazy Man's Guide To Better Golf

This month I started to pen a Pulitzer prize piece on health and fitness, but got tired and ordered MacDonald s instead. I ve actually semi-retired as a golf professional, so there are some doubts as to whether or not I should be writing anything about golf. After my Big Mac settled, I thought enough of this trying-to-be-funny-short-person-syndrome, let s try to come up with something that readers might find useful. After hours of self exploration (don t get any ideas), I thought a guide to lazy golfers great golf might come in useful, since you re probably reading this on the couch, rather than pumping iron in the gym. Finally, I feel as though I m fully qualified to be writing this.

The Mental Game
The first step to great golf is admitting you re lazy. This doesn t come easy, but the faster you accept this, the faster your road to slow (let s not rush things here, speedy progress would burn up too many calories) improvement. You don t have to get up and look at yourself in the mirror to say it, in fact don t even say it, just think it. That s enough for now before you wear yourself out. It s nothing to be ashamed of, you re busy and golf isn t a real sport anyway.



Practicing (The Thing You Do To Supposedly Get Better Away From The Course)
Is for the Pro s and guys like Vijay Singh. Stay away from the range as much as possible, unless you go there to drink and socialize between the intermittent odd shot to justify you expending the energy getting your clubs in and out of the car. The true lazy golfer breaks out in little red spots when just a mention of the range is spoken. A couple of practice swings before you hit your first shot is quite acceptable, but after that, there s really no need. I for one have never seen the need to waste precious energy. Who s real swing is anything resembling their practice swing anyway?

Optimising Your Performance: Nutrition
The lazy golfer relies on (copious quantities) of food and alcohol to get the most out of their game. And why not, who wants to play hungry and thirsty? Asia is, or at least Thailand, quite frankly, a little bit disappointing when it comes to 9th hole replenishments. Yes there are kiosks sometimes stocked with goodies, but the heat just ruins your appetite. If you ve ever played in colder conditions, you ll know that nothing beats a hot dog, burger and fries at the turn. Follow this up with a chocolate bar, heck make it two, and you might make a couple of triples after the initial sugar rush, but isn t that better than starving?

The Art of Making Excuses
Serious lazy golfers only play courses where riding is compulsory. In the unlucky event that you should be invited to play on a course with no golf carts, do whatever you have to in order to get out of it. Excuses in the past that seem to be accepted well include sudden injuries including back spasms and lower back pain, urgent meetings with very important clients and deaths to distance relatives. You ve already admitted to yourself you re lazy, but there s absolutely no reason why you have to admit to others you d have a stroke if you had to walk 18 holes.





Optimising Your Performance: Equipment USD$800 drivers won t make a difference. Those little fold up chairs can come in real handy when carts are restricted to cart paths and the great thing about Asia is you can usually hire as many caddies as you want to do this mundane tasks that make golf more tiring than it has to be. There are some great lazy golfer icons here in Thailand, particularly in the armed forces. Visit one of the many army courses here, and it s not unusual to find three to four caddies catering to their every whim. One for the general duties such as taking the clubs out of your bag, cleaning your balls (you got to keep them clean), picking the ball out of the hole and other strenuous tasks that would otherwise make you exhausted. Another for carrying the umbrella - you don t want to sweat too much or you might have to start buying new clothes. Another for carrying the chair so you can sit down while waiting for the group ahead. And new to Bangkok, one just for show (you have to have to have something to show).

Motivation: The Will To Win and Other Tips

• The crme de la crme of lazy golfers are easily motivated and driven to succeed on the golf course by food and alcohol. Any bets should be food and alcohol based, the more the better.
• Lazy golfers also tend to play at their peak on Sunday afternoons, avoiding early morning tee times at all costs.
• Avoid mountain courses and clubs with ridiculous policies like restricting carts to cart paths
• Think twice about playing in tournaments and at clubs where pace of play is strictly enforced
• Subscribe to the Golf Channel and never make plans to play when there s an important golf tournament on, especially when Tim Herron and Graig Stadler are playing

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