Sawasdee Kaaaa,

My name Khun Pu and I caddie #163 at The Vintage Club, here I answer many questions about caddies in Thailand. I like do things in golf numbers, so I give you 5 answer to 5 question about caddie in Thailand.

1/ Do I have to take a caddie? Yes, why you not want caddie, we’re great, we clean your ball, clubs, give you read on green, tell you how far you go, laugh when you feeling down, smile when you hit bad shot and for 200-250 baht, you must be crazy or stupid or cheapskate if you not want caddie in Thailand.

2/ How much should I tip the caddie? Good question. Here the deal. You no forget that we no get paid salary. At some courses, we only get work 2-3 days per week, so our salary is the caddie fee (THB 200-300 at most courses), plus tip. Now, here another deal. Most local (Thai) tip us THB 200, but it been this way for many many a years. I could go on and on about stories, but bottom line is this: THB 300 is a good tip, for good service. If we no do good job, THB 200, but if we caddie of century, then THB 400+ and we be wery wery happy. The most tip I get is THB 1,000 from Japanese man. He wery kind man.

3/ What happens if I don’t Like my Caddie? That depends. If you no like a the way she look, then I say stiff shit (golfer from NZ tell me this phrase). But if your caddie no know nothing, then you can ask change after 9 holes. Tell the starter, and he will change at most courses

4/ How Can I Get A Beautiful Caddie? Are you here to play golf or perve? (My English improve very fast). Yes, some of us are hot (like me), but most of us are wouldn’t make the cover of Cosmo. But, what I suggest is that you take a sneaky look around and take note of the caddie number next time you are at the course. If you are bold enough, when you drive up and see a caddie you like, you can ask the starter if you can have that one. But come on, this is not a massage parlor. Anyway, lets leave that subject since my English has suddenly become fluent.

5/ How Good Are The Caddies in Thailand? This depend on what course you play and is really like a lottery. Some caddie good, some caddie bad. Most of us will do basic duties but as far as reading greens and the finer point of the game, there only certain amount of knowledge we can get by not playing the game. Although personally I enjoy a good conversation about 3rd world debt relief, most caddie do not have high education so don’t expect too much.

Finally, some notes:
- Sometimes we try our best, but give you wrong advice. You’re the one who makes the final decision so don’t blame us for your bad shots
- I mean don’t blame us for your bad shots, you’re the one swinging the club
- Smile and we’ll smile back
- Each week all caddies get together and vote for “dickhead golfer of the month”. This goes to the person who yells, screams and throws the most clubs. Don’t be it
- If you get a good caddie, you can book her again next time you play by calling the course in advance
- Tip us good if we make your round enjoyable. 100 baht here or there is not much to you but a lot to us
- No, we can’t go have lunch with you in the clubhouse
- We don’t speak much English, the courses don’t provide training so please don’t expect us to always understand your funny british accent

Hello boys. We're the Tap In Twins, and are proud to be part of the Fairway Fox team, strutting around golf courses giving advice to lost golfing souls. This month we give you our thoughts on something that we have a lot of - attitude.

Attitude has already been talked about, but you can never get enough so listen up. When you hit a bad shot, you can choose the way you react. When you hit it in a bunker, you're angry right? If you were practicing, and placed one in the bunker, are you angry? That's right homie, you have the power to choose.

Now Tiger gets a little upset at hitting a bad shot, but he seldom hits the next shot with those same thoughts in his mind. He says his F's and S's and what not, but after that he forgets about it and moves on. Most amateurs hit one bad shot and it stays with them until the 18th, by which time they've hacked their way to triple figures through shear anger.

So...next time you go out and play, simply decide that you will not let a bad shot affect you. You'll be amazed at how much better you play, and maybe more importantly, how much more fun you'll have out there.

xxx Tap In Twins

The Golf Biatch is here to mad dawg those golf fools who haven't bothered to read up on the etiquette of golf. In particular, those players who haven't learned the skillful art of letting players through. For the record, "It is a group’s responsibility to keep up with the group in front. If it loses a clear hole and it is delaying the group behind, it should invite the group behind to play through, irrespective of the number of players in that group. "

I've played golf in all parts of the world, and it seems that the locals here are the worst offenders. In particular, 5 and 6 somes, who don't think it would be wise to let a two-some riding in carts behind play through. So this is to all you golfers who don't let others through, even when clearly holding up play. Take up another sport, tiddlywinks, or darts, and may the golf gods layeth the smackdown on your lame golfing souls.

Amen

This month The Golf Babe, The Golf Hottie and The Golf Bomb got together for a three-some and triple-treat golf tip.

Introduction by The Golf Babe: Jack and Tiger always rave on about how they manage to win when they're not playing their best and don't have their A-Games. This is one of the keys to becoming a player, and once you learn to play with what the golf gods give you each time you tee it up, you can have my telephone number.

The Golf Hottie Speaks: I agree with the Golf Babe. She's not only a babe, but knows her shit. The first thing you need to do is understand you will not always have your A-Game. Many players (usually high handicappers) expect to hit the ball perfectly everytime. Once you understand that "Golf is not a game of perfect" (I can't stand Bob Rotella but he does have some good points), then you will become a better player already.

The Golf Bomb Concludes: So how do you play with your B-Game, or even C-Game. Well, most of us don't have any A-Game, but nevertheless, the single most important thing is to not get down on yourself and analyze every single bad shot. A bad shot is just that, and nothing more. If you hit a bad shot, will the D-O Double G still be rappin? Will Sergio still be Mackin? You bet ya. Many players hit one bad shot and thats the end of their round. Grind it out homeboy and just accept every shot as it comes.

By The Golf Mink

You've seen the Nike ad where Tiger's bouncing a ball on his wedge (if not, see video link below), and I know you all want to do that to impress the hottie you saw at the range last week. Well, true, it does take some skill, but it's not rocket science boys. Here's how:

First, you must hold the club with the clubface pointing towards the sky.
To get the ball on the wedge, I'm gonna let you use your foot to scoop it up. Most wedge bounce wannabe's make the mistake of trying to drop the ball on the wedge. When you get really good, you can scoop it up without using your foot using your wrists, but I usually only tell punters about that on second dates.

Now, the key is, just move the club a tiny bit straight towards the golf gods using your arm, keeping your wrist and elbow firm. When I see most wedge bouncing wannabe's try it, they move the club too much, and not straight up enough. Once you've got it going, just try to stay still and focus as you would if something else were bouncing around...(you naughty boy)

Note how the club isn't moving much, tiger bounces big, but when you're first starting, you only want the ball to go a few inches off the clubface.
Also, when you get really good you can try the under the leg thing, notice how he doesnt move the club much, he's really just moving his leg, which makes it look harder and more impressive than it actually is.

Try it at home, when you're waiting on tee, or when you're waiting for your girlfriend to get ready and pretty soon you'll be a wedge-bouncing wizard :)

This month I got my knickers in a twist trying to work out what tip I was going to share with you and the other golf homies in the hood, so I took them off and aren't wearing any as I write this.

My little pearl of wisdom this month came from The Golf Hottie, who I recently played with. You won't believe this, but The Golf Hottie can get really hot, as in going low, shooting under par. I asked her what her secret was to being hot, and it wasn't her wonderbra. No. She said that she stayed in the present and played each shot on its own merit. The Pro's always talk about playing one shot at a time and staying in the present, and The Golf Pretty admits that she sometimes gets ahead of herself and a little excited about shooting a certain number, which more than often leads to her downfall.

So, next time you're going low, or have a chance to shoot your best score, get your mind away from any thoughts of doing such a thing and get back to the shot at hand. If you don't, The Golf Pretty might have to send The Golf Hottie after you and give you a little telling off.

See you next month my golf homie